No.
No. No.
No! No! NOOOO!!!!
Ok, I had to get that out of my system.
There have been a number of disturbing rumors coming out from people who claim to have seen the screenings of Indiana Jones 5 and they tell the tale of a company that has not learned its lesson. Ever since they were acquired by Disney, Lucasfilm has struggled under the leadership of Steven Spielberg protégé Kathleen Kennedy. You have people who understand and respect the integrity of Star Wars and Indiana Jones, and then you have an overriding, out of touch woke agenda coming out of Kennedy’s office. We saw it when she turned the reigns of Star Wars: The Last Jedi over to someone who clearly did not understand the project, and we saw it again, egregiously, with Book of Boba Fett.
JJ Abrams did his best to retcon the former when he returned to direct Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker, and when Boba Fett turned into a train wreck they actually inserted the first two episodes of season three of John Favreau’s The Mandalorian and dropped whatever schlock was supposed to happen altogether. When they came back to Boba Fett for the series finale it was the messiest crap imaginable. A five-year-old playing with the toys in his bedroom could have done better. (Yes, that was me).
Here’s the first thing Lucasfilm needs to realize: I AM YOUR FATH… er…. TARGET AUDIENCE!!!
Yes, the vast majority of movies are now aimed directly at drawing in people younger than me; kids with short attention spans who need constant action, get bored with character development, and prefer (apparently) to see the same story over and over with different heroes and villains. Yes, Marvel, I’m staring at YOU. I find the vast majority of these movies dull, boring, even insulting, and therefore I’ve only been to a theater to see one movie in 2022. I used to practically LIVE in movie theaters. Over the past 12 months I have seen exactly one movie in theaters – Top Gun: Maverick. It was so good I went twice. Other than that, no thanks.
This is different, though. The target audience can’t be gender-bending, action-addicted teens. First of all, they aren’t interested in Indiana Jones. Second, Indiana Jones doesn’t need to appeal to them; the rest of the crap coming out of Hollywood is already dying to somehow capture their attention. Indiana Jones needs to appeal to guys in their 50’s who grew up loving Harrison Ford and Indiana Jones. See, we’re the ones who will turn out in droves to see it, and we will bring our kids.
Take Star Wars, for example. My daughter was just the right age when The Force Awakens came out. That is, she was roughly the age I was when A New Hope was released. She was captivated, asked to see it repeatedly, and because it was done so brilliantly I was more than happy to take her, buy her the Rey costume and lightsaber, and make sure she had all of the associated Funko Pops so she could build her love for my all-time favorite movies. We took a driving trip to Florida that summer and she chose around 25 movies to watch in the car. How many did she watch? Just one. She watched Return of the Jedi over and over and over for the entire 16-hour trip. That was fine with me, too, because I’ve seen it so many times I could envision the screen just by hearing the sound. She was officially a Jedi, like her father before her. Congrats, Disney!
She still regularly asks to watch Rise of Skywalker with me and enjoys our alternate storyline, one where Luke tells Rey he was wrong to hide that he was her father and she really is Rey Skywalker. Fun! This is exactly what you need with Indiana Jones 5, too. You need me and my generation to see it, love it, and take our kids. You need our kids to love it, too, but they won’t see it if we don’t take them. We won’t take them if you lose touch with us by killing off Indy, even if it’s older Indy killing younger Indy. We won’t take them if Indy dies and you replace him with a girl. We won’t take them if you can’t just tell another great adventure story without working in crazy woke BS – one rumor even has Phoebe Waller-Bridge chastising Indy for using the term “Indians,” telling him he should call them “indigenous people.” You know, in the 1940’s. That just wasn’t a thing, and pretending it was is just silly.
So here you go. Here’s the ending you need. Ready to take notes? John Williams let slip that you’re changing and reshooting the finale, so I really want to give you as much help as you need from ME, your target audience.
So Sala and Indy run off on one more adventure, finding the Dial of Destiny. They have to fight the Nazis or Russian or both (depending on which rumors you read), they fend off Mads Mikkelson with the help of Antonio Banderas and Waller-Bridge – that all sounds great. You have a strong villain, a beautiful sidekick, and a big name helper. That’s all very Indiana Jones. In the end, Indy and Sala save the day and Indy decides to retire from the college and from archaeology. Final scene? He dons his Fedora, grabs his whip and rides off into the sunset with Sala at his side. Yes, an homage to the end of The Last Crusade. That was already the perfect end to this saga and it could be again.
That’s it. No “to be continued as a series on Disney+,” just a classic ending worthy of both Indiana Jones and Harrison Ford. John Williams’ Raiders March playing would also seem a perfect ending for Williams’ career, which he can’t quite seem to end (and that’s fine with me!).
Given what I’ve heard about the direction of this project, I have a bad feeling about this. Fortunately, it’s not too late. You can make this right. You can listen to the voices screaming “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” and give us the Indiana Jones movie we’ve been waiting for.
Please do.
-B
Ishmael's Legacy 